RESOURCES —  Humor

If A Dog Were Your Teacher

If a dog were your teacher, you would learn stuff like:

1.  When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
2.  Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
3.  Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
4.  When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
5.  Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
6.  Take naps and stretch before rising.
7.  Run, romp, and play daily.
8.  Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
9.  Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
10.  On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
11.  On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
12.  When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
13.  No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...
       run right back and make friends.
14.  Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
15.  Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stope when you have had enough. Be loyal.
16.  Never pretend to be something you're not.
17.  If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
18.    and MOST of all...
19.  When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Dog Property Laws

1.  If I like it, it's mine.
2.  If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3.  If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4.  If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5.  If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6.  If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7.  If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8.  If I saw it first, it's mine.
9.  If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10.  If it's broken, it's yours.

All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From My Dog...

1.  If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2.  Don't go out without ID.
3.  Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
4.  Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5.  Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6.  Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
7.  When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
8.  If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

GOLDEN RETRIEVER:
1.       The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

BORDER COLLIE:
2.       Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

DACHSHUND:
3.       You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

ROTTWEILER:
4.       Make me.

LAB:
5.       Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

GERMAN SHEPHERD:
6.       I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.?

TIEBETIAN TERRIER:
7.       Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER:
8.       I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

POODLE:
9.       I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

COCKER SPANIEL:
10.       Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark!.

DOBERMAN:
11.       While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch..

BOXER:
12.       Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark…..

CHIHUAHUAE:
13.       Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

IRISH WOLFHOUND:
14.       Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover….

POINTER:
15.       I see it, there it is, there it is, right there….

GREYHOUND:
16.       It isn't moving. Who cares?

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD:
17.       First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle….

OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG:
18.       Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?.

HOUND DOG:
19.       ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz..z..z..z..z..z.

CAT:
20.       Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the questions is: How long will it be before I can expect light?.

An open letter to our pets

Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way. The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, feline/canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door... Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. 1. They live here. You don't.
2. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. 3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4. 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. 5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.